Happy Mother’s Day, friends! I have absolutely loved reading and seeing everyone dote on their mom today. I’m blessed to have many mothers in my life that have helped me figure out exactly the mom I want to be, and I’m so grateful!
I spent most of today soaking up lots of love, and staring into the sparkly eyes of my favorite girl in the world. It’s all true, what they say about motherhood. It’s the hardest and most wonderful thing you’ll ever do. I’d do anything for Maggie. Anything in the whole world. And I plan to do exactly that very soon.
I’m letting you in on a little secret about some changes I’m making, so I can be Maggie’s Mom forever.
Being BRCA1+ means certain parts of my body would love to host a cancer party, specifically in my breasts and ovaries, so my super-awesome team of doctors have suggested we buy me some time here on earth and get rid of those mean ol’ body parts. In 10 days, I’ll have a bilateral mastectomy.
I am feeling all kinds of things: scared, grateful, a little sad. I have to admit that though I have known my sweet Marc for 11 years, and I know he loves me no matter what, there’s a little piece of me that is scared that he’ll look at me, disfigured and different, and be less than impressed. I’m scared that I won’t get to wear certain pieces of clothing without my scars showing, and a little scared that I’ll never feel sexy again. I’m scared of more scowls when I feed my baby formula instead of breast milk. I’m scared that I’m going to miss out on a lot of Maggie’s “firsts” because I’m not able to lift her, hold her, bathe her, or play with her until I heal. I’m scared that Maggie will be confused when she sees me change, because I don’t look like she does.
And after feeling all of those things, I realize that there have been so many women before me that would take that list of problems in a heartbeat, instead of wondering if they’re even going to make it out of their struggle alive. My own mom did. She used to take me to chemotherapy with her, and it scares the shit out of me that I hardly remember that. I was just a little girl, and I remember the inconveniences, like that my dad had to fix my hair in the morning and he didn’t do as good of a job as mom did. Where was mom? Why wasn’t she fixing my hair? Or dinner? Why wasn’t she home?
I hate to even imagine the thoughts that crossed my mom’s mind throughout her battle, but I have imagined them. And I think about how GRATEFUL I am to know that there is a problem with my body, and that I can FIX it. As scared as I am, I’m also grateful as hell to know about this so early in my life so that I can change the course and be here for my family as long as possible.
Because the thing is, the minute I found out I was pregnant with her, she changed my life. She really did make my heart explode, and brought me happiess I couldn’t have even imagined. So I choose Maggie. I choose her over boobs and ovaries, every time.
So that’s it, y’all. My topless dancing career is out the window now, and that’s annoying, but I guess there will be other opportunities for me. Like being Maggie’s Mom forever. I’m happy with that title, and I hope my little gumdrop knows now, and for the rest of her life, that it’s the title that means the most to me, and I intend to drive her crazy for as long as possible.
Of course, I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be Maggie’s mom forever, no matter where I am or where I go. But right now, while I’m here on this earth, I’d do anything for just one minute more with my Dylan Bird.
If you’re the praying kind, or the good-hippie-vibe-sending kind, please do so, for my beloved Marc and Maggie to have a smooth transition while Mom’s eating tacos in bed. A little part of me is excited for Marc, as I know he and Maggie will be even better buddies when it’s all said and done. I hope you celebrated Mother’s Day with someone who would do anything in the whole world for you, or someone who you’d do anything in the world for. I certainly did.